Normally I don’t look at links that are posted on Twitter, but when I saw a recent post from Ashton Kutcher about a kid having a love for World of Warcraft… my curiosity was intrigued. At first I thought that it was going to be just another video of some poor kid sitting in front of his computer, getting his jollies off to a female WoW character. What I got was far better than I could’ve ever imagined.

The video starts off where a younger brother is speaking into a camera, telling the viewer that his mother just cancelled his older brothers WoW subscription. Before the other brother can go into his bedroom, the kid leaves the camera on a piece of furniture so that his fit can be recorded… and what a fit it was.

- She Who Has The Last Word

On last weeks show I mentioned the amazing arrival of Maynard James Keenan to Fresno. For those of you who have been living under a rock, MJK is the lead singer of TOOL, A Perfect Circle, and Puscifer. The man is a God. I’ve seen TOOL in concert 3 times over the past 10 years, and have been a huge fan for as long as I can remember.

Let me tell you how insane I get over this man.

Back when I was 15…almost 16, I heard over the local radio station KRZR that TOOL was coming to Fresno. This was back in 98 and it was the show held at Fresno State. After I heard the radio announcer I fled out of my bedroom shrieking like a banshee heading towards my mother who was in the kitchen at the stove cooking something (obviously). I was so excited and amped up that when I reached her I grabbed at her. Instead of getting a grasp on her arm, I got her disgustingly bright neon lime green shirt. This shirt had been around since the 80′s and makes me get the Flashdance theme song in my head right now just even mentioning it. Anyways…. I had forgotten just how freaked out I was and the next thing I heard between my insane ranting was RRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPP!!!!!!! I ripped her shirt with my beastly TOOL induced strength.

At that concert I almost had my nose broken, passed out for who knows how long from hyperventilating, and cried when they played “Pushit.”

The second time I saw them was in July 2002 down in Bakersfield for their Lateralus album tour. Again, they were so fantastic but there was no passing out, no risk of bone breakages, and unfortunately they didn’t play “Pushit” so no tears were shed.

In 2003 while in labor with my daughter I brought my DiscMan and while waiting for the fun pushing part (please detect the sarcasm) I did listen to a bit of TOOL and it was very helpful. Maynards voice could calm a pack of rabid and starving lions.

The third time I saw them in concert was in August 2006 for their 10,000 Days album tour. I had the pleasure of going with a friend of mine who had never seen them in concert before so he was a wee little virgin. Peter (that’s his name) drove all the way from Palo Alto for the show here in Fresno at Selland Arena and we had a blast. Both of us lost our voices for a couple of days because we were screaming out the songs.

All of these events lead me to where we are now.

Late last year Chris had mentioned to me that Maynard was going to tour some Whole Foods in promotion of his wine that he runs from Arizona. I thought I was going to have a heart attack until we saw that Fresno wasn’t on the list.

Last week Chris was on his way home from work when he sends me a text message alerting me that Maynard was indeed coming here and for me to look it up on the internet for day, time, and specifics. At the time I was on the phone with this super nice lady from Oregon State University because I was inquiring about their online Political Science program. It took all that I could to not get hysterical on the poor woman but I pulled it off. During the conversation I did look it up and texted with Chris a bit while the excitement was starting to build up inside my body. After getting off the phone with her I immediately called my Mom and left her the most pathetic/disturbing voicemail she has probably ever received.

I first started off saying “Oh my God! Oh my God! OH MY GOD!” In between the “oh mys” you could clearly hear me breathing. I proceeded to tell her everything but I all of a sudden started bursting into tears. I was so emotional and crazed that my throat started closing off and I couldn’t get out any words. The end of the message was me squeaking out that I had to go since well… I obviously couldn’t say a word! Chris and I were to go somewhere (I can’t remember right now where to save my life) and I got so messed up making that voicemail that I had to fix and reapply my makeup.

Ever since I found out that Maynard was coming here I kept calm. Every once in awhile I would get hella stoked but I was doing my best to stay calm so that I wouldn’t get anxious and maybe have a panic attack (I have a history of getting those). Then a bit of fear struck me that maybe I would freak out and possibly pass out  in front of the man that I have wanted to meet for over 10 years. I knew that all of it was going to boil down to a battle of wits and emotion since the odds of me crying were against me. My Mom was convinced that I would break down into a massive downpour of tears and I didn’t blame her. I was convinced I would too but I was going to do my best to not become “one of those.” By “one of those” I mean stupid girls that you would find at a Jonas Brothers concert.

On Tuesday, the day of his arrival, I woke up early because I couldn’t sleep. I believe I woke up around 7:45 which is way earlier than I usually do. At 8 Whole Foods started handing out tickets that would hold your place in line so after getting ready and driving there we arrived around 8:30. When we got there we saw this HUGE sign with a list of what we couldn’t do. I already had it in my head that I was going to take a massive amount of pictures. Not only for you guys and for this blog, but for myself because I would really want to remember this day. Chris even came up with the idea of maybe bringing one of my ticket stubs for him to sign in which I thought that was a really good idea. I had questions in my head that I was thinking about asking such as: “What is your favorite book?” and “What is your favorite video game?” I even laughed at how I would probably pull a Butthead and ask some stupid question. On the big board of NO I saw that no cell phones were allowed (not making this up), no cameras, no bags, no large purses, no coats (I know… it was raining, cold outside and it’s February but no coats. What the fuck ever.), that no other items besides wine bottles would be signed, and a bunch of other bullshit that I didn’t read.

Chris and I got our tickets and we were 108 and 109. Lucky bastard pulled the 108 lol. We went back home and vegged out on our Wii until we went back around 2 so that we could get in line. We were told that was the time they were going to start selling the wine. When we got back to Whole Foods we were told that it was actually at 3:30 so we went and got some lunch at the nearby Apple Bees.

Back in the waiting area we were told that we would be put in groups of 20, us being in 100-120 (obviously). While standing there we talked to some pretty cool people. One guy got to go as part of the first group so we didn’t get his name, then there was this dude named Dane who was super cool. We talked with him for a long time about various stuff and we even gave him the blog URL so Dane… if you are reading this hellloooo and I hope you enjoyed that day as much as we did. When we got into our little group to go get the wine we had this really nice woman named (I think… if I remember) Christy. She had seen TOOL almost 20 times and she was great to talk to. There weren’t a lot of women there and the ones that were there would have given my daughter nightmares for sure. Christy wasn’t one of them. If you saw her walking down the street you would have assumed she was into stuff like Dave Matthews or something (not that there is anything wrong with Dave Matthews…but I used him for the sake of creating an image).

Up to this point I was still really calm. Every once in awhile I got a little flutter of excitement but I was doing well. Chris and I had already picked out which wines we were going to get so when we got inside Whole Foods we were ready. After going through the checkout we had to stand and wait for the remaining members of our group to finish up with their purchases. Around this time I was starting to need to fidget to help with the nervous energy that was starting to build up inside of me but I was still good.

We then were escorted by a guy to the end of the shopping area where Sharper Image used to be and there was a short line there. The line went inside one of the empty building suites where Maynard was with his wine partner. I tried to get a peek but they were behind tall black drapes. Total bummer. Standing in that line really started to mess with me because to know that somebody you think is fucking amazing is only behind some flimsy curtain can be really exciting and crazy at the same time.

Since people were still being douches about what we could and couldn’t bring with us, before entering that room we had to take off our coats. I had a sleeveless shirt on underneath a woven sweater jacket and I still had to take that off. People were having to take off hoodies, pull over sweat shirts… it was incredibly ridiculous.

When we got inside the room we only had like 3 others in front of us and I could hear his voice as he was talking to a guy. I got this incredible flutter in my stomach and knew that I was in trouble. As we inched closer to our time with him I made one vital mistake: I peeked. I PEEKED!!!

What in the FUCK was I thinking?!?!?!?!??!?!

This entire time I had been perfectly fine and then I blew it by getting a peek of him for not even 20 seconds. As soon as I leaned back to my position I immediately knew it was all over. Teary, weepy me was about to emerge and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I turned my head upwards to look at the pipes in the ceiling and I even asked Chris to give me something to think about. Him, being clever as always, told me to think about the little squirrel we saw the other day that was flattened and ran over on this road.

Thanks for that Sweetie. It was great.

Then it was our time.

My time to stand in front of Maynard.

I know that some of you reading this probably think that I need professional help but haven’t you all had somebody that if you met them you would be completely over the moon? Even if they were fictional like a super hero they still count.

As soon as I took the steps closer to the table him and dude (yeah… he was so important I obviously remembered his name lol) were at I really started to weep like a damn baby. Maynard was so sweet though and he joked with Chris about it.

Maynard: “What did you do to her man?”

Chris: “What?”

Maynard: “What did you do to her? She’s crying.”

I know that it’s hard to get the tone through text but he was being cute about it. He then asked if Chris had hit me (maybe he had seen in the news about fucking broke ass Chris Brown beating up on a certain lady) and if he should have the police man who was to the left come over. I did laugh at that. Chris did make me look like a goof by saying that I was crying due to this making my life (which is true but why would you admit that? sheesh!!)

Then things got worse… at least for me and my weepage. I then heard a combination of words that I thought I would never hear from that mans mouth:  “You look pretty today.”

OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!

So here I am… in front of him and then I get to hear this? If it wasn’t for the fact that I enjoy living and have a lot that I am looking forward to, I could have dropped dead right then and there and been pretty cool with it. Hearing those words made me want to cry even more and I was able to squeak out the words “Thank you” to him. After that our time was up and then we left to get my coat and umbrella out from their little holding area.

As I was walking out there was another woman there who said that she was probably going to do the same thing (which, very selfishly, I admit that made me feel not so bad) but when I got to where my stuff was I felt like an ass because of the dude that was there working the event. I heard “Finally! Some passion!” directed towards me. Random dude was so nice to inform me that I was the first crier of the day.

Oh fucking joy to the world.

So… I’m sorry that I didn’t get you guys pictures, sorry that I didn’t get to ask any questions because I EPICALLY FAILED, and sorry to myself for being an ass.

On the show we will show you guys the bottles of signed wine and since Chris and I don’t drink, if you happen to buy a bottle and try it let us know what you thought of it.

- She Who Has The Last Word

On December 23rd of last year (2008 to be exact) I entered myself in to a sweepstakes on www.theknot.com. For those of you who don’t know what The Knot is, it’s a wedding website and filled with girly stuff. I created an account there ages ago and hardly use it but since Chris and I are the ones paying for our wedding I have been on the internet searching for wedding related sweepstakes/contests.

Anyways, I have bad luck when it comes to these things and know that the odds of me winning are slim to none however today I woke up to a treat.

When I got up I thought today was going to suck. I almost fell on the way to the bathroom due to me being half asleep,  accidentally dropped my Sidekick on the tile floor in the bathroom, and then I almost fell into the shower/tub while trying to sit on the porcelian god.

After that fun I went to my PC and checked my email. I noticed something strange in my inbox with the subject mentioning my entry to the contest. When I opened it I seriously thought I had to check my eyes – I had won!

I am the Grand Prize Winner of their Dreams Remember the Resort Game & Sweepstakes and I couldn’t be happier. A guest (which is obviously Chris) and myself get a free 3 night stay at any of the new Dreams Resorts & Spas. We even get to choose which one we want to stay at. Three of the five are located in various spots of Mexico while the other two are in the Dominican Republic.

Right now I am leaning towards the Dreams Huatulco Resort because it is close to a jungle and a coral reef. It feels so odd even mentioning something like that because I never honestly thought I would be able to afford a trip like this anything soon. Since Chris and I are footing the bill one of the things we knew we couldn’t afford would be a Honeymoon so we were just going to go somewhere for a few days, come back for Christmas, and then go to another place in January 2010. Vegas came to mind since we could say that we visited the Pyramids, Paris, Camelot, New York, and other locations. Vegas, if done right, can be pretty affordable and that is very appealing to us.

All I have to do is print out the affidavit of eligibility/liability that also is a publicity release since they will advertise on their website that I am the winner and all that jazz. I might even be in their magazine! I am so excited I think I might explode!

You can check out their resorts and know more about the company at: http://www.dreamsresorts.com

I just had to share this with you all and will keep you updated as the days go along!

- She Who Has The Last Word

This week Chris and I have been going around to different vendors so that we can decide who we want to use for our upcoming wedding. Planned for Thursday was a florist, gown store and then a meeting with our reception site. We also had to pick up some cake samples from a baker we are considering. Since there was a large gap between the florist appointment and the gown store we went to get lunch before picking up the cake.

Right across the street from the bakery was a Burger King, and since I thought it sounded delicious we got some food there. I would have been content going through the drive-thru but Chris brought up how going inside could kill some time. I think this might be the last time I ever listen to him.

We got inside, placed our order, and sat down in a booth. We started talking about random stuff and then our order was up. After Chris sat down we started eating, and then I saw something behind him.

A wasp.

My Mom is highly allergic to bees, wasps, and really anything that stings like that. She has to either be given a shot immediately or be taken to a hospital because it can and will kill her. I am fortunate to have never been stung, but that doesn’t mean I am not afraid of what my reaction would be like. I did crack a joke to Chris saying that a hospial is just right down the street, but it was pretty obvious that I didn’t want it to come to that.

At first I thought it was outside since sometimes it’s hard to tell on those thick windows, but as it got closer to the back of Chris’s head it was pretty obvious that it was inside.

The wasp started to fly towards us and all I kept thinking was that it could smell my fear. I am still convinced that it had it’s eyes on me, waiting to strike, and to just really fuck up my day. Chris still had a burger to finish, but since the wasp was now above us on the ceiling, we decided to pack it up and get the hell out of there.

Before leaving I let a girl behind the counter know of their little friend and she said she would tell the manager.

As we were backing out we saw the manager with a long stick poking at the ceiling and I assume he got it since we didn’t see him flailing his arms about in a panic. Oh well.

- She Who Has The Last Word

As some of you know, Chris and I have our own place together. We love it. We have a nice amount of space plus it came with washer and dryer hook-ups which means no laundry room! The washer we got from my Mom, that was kept outside for who knows how long, and Chris found the dryer from a nice lady on Craigslist. On the day that we moved, Chris and a friend of his took the moving truck over to the two locations and picked them up before we started to load the boxes. It had rained prior to the move so when they got the washer it was about a quarter of the way filled with water, leaves, and other assorted fun items. Before putting them into the apartment we cleaned off the sides and then ran the washer a few times with some bleach to clean it out and to drain the water. That was back in the middle of December.

Fast forward to earlier this week. On Monday I was sitting on the couch, doing nothing spectacular, and I looked at the wall right next to me. At first there was nothing too out of the ordinary. I had the blinds open and was letting in the natural light, I saw some dudes on the roof across the way clipping off tree branches, and I was talking to Chris over AIM. Then I looked at the little section of the wall closest to me and I saw something rather horrific.

A black widow.

When I was a child, I was almost bitten by a black widow. The story goes like this: My Mom, former step-father and I were living in this new house. One day we were all outside, doing something that I can’t remember, when all of a sudden I had to use the restroom. I went into the house from the garage and used the bathroom that was right next to the garage door and my bedroom. Everything was just fine when I saw a large spider on the floor. It wasn’t the black widow but it was a giant wood spider. Very ugly creature I might add. It started to walk towards me and as a child, around 8 at the time, you get really scared by such things. As it was making it’s way towards me I was still on the toilet. I could do nothing so I put both of my legs up on the side of the tub and just hoped that it would turn around and leave me alone. Just when I thought that things would be ok the black widow entered.

It started to walk towards the wood spider and me, creeping along doing it’s little spider walk with it’s slender glossy black legs, but it kept coming closer to me. I was cornered by two ugly ass spiders and I couldn’t do a damn thing. I tell ya; if it wasn’t for the fact that I was already on a toilet I probably would have pissed myself. I was the only person inside the house so nobody could hear me. I did yell out for help but it was really useless. So there I sat as the black widow was right near me, and could have easily bitten me had I put my feet down on the floor, when I heard the squeek of a door hinge. Somebody came in through the garage door! I remember letting out a blood curdling yell that had my Mom flying through the door to see just what in the hell was wrong with me. It took like a nanosecond for her to see my new friends on the floor and she then got her husband Lenny, and no he wasn’t from Of Mice and Men.

I don’t remember exactly what he used in killing the creatures but shortly after he started to move them away from me the wood spider and the black widow started going at each other. I can tell you this much, it was a rather epic battle. As if they were fighting to the death – no pun intended. Neither of the arachnids won because both of them were killed in a wonderful blaze of glory. To this day I am still terrified of large spiders, especially black widows and other ones that I know could easily do some damage.

Back to my dilemma though. Alone. On the couch. Black widow on the wall. Gripped with fear. Chris was in a meeting at that time, or so he said he was, so I really had no help. I did send him a text message though to his work cell hoping that he would get it and have at least some advice on how to deal with my lovely roommate. I picked up a shoe and was going to smoosh it but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. What if the spider jumped? What if I missed? I even put the whole shoe on my hand and crawled up on the couch, hiding behind the side of it, thinking that it was a good angle and that the couch was providing me with a “shield” of some sort. Of course, me being neurotic, my mind then starts thinking on how my arm is completely exposed. I could easily be bitten there and then what would I do?

After a half hour of being freaked out, I remembered about the tree trimming dudes. One of them was back down on the ground so I ran out there to get him. I was in all of my glory. Picture this if you will: my hair was a mess, I was in a baggy MLG (Major League Gaming) t-shirt, and to complete my sexy look I was wearing a pair of Chris’s pajama pants – light blue fleece Paul Frank ones that were covered with monkeys. Such a sexy sight, I really can’t even put it into words. So there I go, this mess of a woman, out to the tree dude. As soon as I get to him I ask if he can come in my apartment and kill my spider. The guy probably thought I was joking but I was dead serious.

He killed the spider so fast that if I would have blinked I would have missed it. All he did was walk right up to it and smoosh it with his big boot. As he was leaving I thanked him and tried to play it all cool by saying how “it’s a girl thing.” The guy probably thought I was a nut. A few minutes later my phone rang and it was Chris asking if I was ok and I told him everything that had happened. I felt awful because the “meeting” was something really short and he had left work early to surprise me but as soon as he saw the text he called me to make sure I was fine, thus ruining the surprise.

After that incident we began to wonder as to where these little bastards could possibly be coming from and I immediately thought of the washer. My Mom does have some black widows around the outside of her house, and since the washer had been left outside there is no reason as to why they couldn’t have gotten inside. Realizing that I got this sick feeling in my stomach because where there is 1, there are more.

Boy was I right.

Thursday I was on the couch and had gotten off of the phone. It was about 10 in the morning and I glanced over to the cables to the left of our t.v. console. There was a bit of black cables forming a loop and there I saw it.

Black widow v2.

Two encounters with a black widow in one week. Not good. Since it was early in the day, it wasn’t like Chris would be coming home anytime soon so I would be left to my own devices for many hours. There were no guys trimming trees outside, and when looking through my blinds there really wasn’t anybody outside. I called my Mom and thanked her for my washer-o-death and called my Grandma to see if she had any suggestions on killing them but all I got was the answering machine. I told Chris on AIM about the spider and he asked if I wanted him to come home for lunch and kill it. Like a baby, I said yes.

Him, being a smart ass, told me to keep my eye on it and that he was on his way. What did I do? I sat there on the couch staring at the bane of my existence making sure that it didn’t try and sneak off. When he got here, he walked right in and “SMOOSH!” Problem solved. It was awesome because he got to spend the rest of the day with me but then he got a big laugh. I did get a bit weepy because they really do scare the bejesus out of me and he thought it was amusing at how girly I am sometimes. He said that it’s funny because I burp, fart, and swear like a sailor but then I become some damsel in distress at the silliest things like spiders.

We all have our things, OK?

To make sure that I don’t have to see anymore of my 8 legged friends, I called the rental office and asked if they spray for spiders since they do for roaches. I was told that they do and that they would be coming next Wednesday. I felt like tap dancing throughout the apartment but I refrained. I’ve turned down the thermostat so that the heater won’t run since the spiders hate the cold and gravitate towards the heat. I’ve been shaking my shoes before I put them on and other neurotic things.

So now I wait for Wednesday to come. Oh glorious Wednesday.

Muerte a todos!

- She Who Has The Last Word

It all started yesterday when Chris was messing around with his iPhone. I bought it for him back in February of last year, and shortly after he jailbroke it. Once the 2.0 software upgrade came out, he upgraded but didn’t jailbreak it again until last night. He then started adding random ringtones since the default ones are terrible. He was getting a laugh out of the Star Wars tones so he put on a Chewbacca tone and went to the bathroom. While he was there I heard his phone going ape shit and it sounded like a disgruntled boar. Over and over, for about 20 seconds, I had to suffer through short and rather loud barks courtesy of the notorious furry Wookie. When it first started it scared the shit out of me and I yelled out at Chris that he needs to change it. Last thing I need is for his phone to go off while we are sleeping because I will probably have a massive heart attack. Since he couldn’t hear me due to the fan in the bathroom, I opened the door a crack and told him that it needs to be changed. When he got out he changed it but I had no idea what he had selected until 10 this morning.

In a pretty damn good sleep, I was having this dream about Chris and I. We were in our apartment, which looked a bit different, and he was telling me how he was going to let some guy borrow some of my video games. If anybody knows me in real life they know that my games are my babies. You don’t LET people borrow them without asking me first unless you want to feel the pain. In my dream I remember going off on Chris telling him that he had no right letting some dude borrow my stuff and that he better go and tell him that he can’t touch anything of mine. Dream Chris got pissy with me and left. When I walked into our bedroom I saw a guy that I thought was Chris and he had a plastic bag in his hand that he was filling with games and controllers. I started bitching him out thinking that he was Chris reinforcing feelings on the issue. The guy turned to look at me and it wasn’t Chris. It was the guy who was going to “borrow” my stuff. I looked in the bag and it was filled with a crap load of stuff: NES and Genesis games, a Genesis console, controllers etc. I couldn’t believe it because some of that stuff was hard to find and rather pricey. I snatched the bag from him and told him to get out of the apartment. I put my stuff down and left to go and look for Chris. While I was walking around I felt a buzz in my pocket and it was Chris’ iPhone. I have no idea how it got there but I pulled it out of my pocket and the shady man was the one calling him. Last thing I remember is holding the phone in my left hand while pressing on the screen to answer it with my right index finger but it wasn’t working. Then, in real life, I got a massive scare.

Rather loudly did the Imperial March from Star Wars start up. Somebody was calling Chris’ phone and I wanted to sit up in a panic because of how terrifying it was. I had been playing a large amount of Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, going to the dark side of course, so hearing the Imperial March made me feel as if I was being called into battle. Once I realized that it was only his phone and not my cue to force lightning somebody I tried to fall back asleep but felt my heart wanting to jump out of my chest.

Eventually I did fall back asleep and overslept, but I have never been so scared from a ringtone in all my life.

- She Who Has The Last Word