I honestly don’t even know how to start this off without laughing hysterically, but I will try.

Very rarely do I use mayo. Why? Because it’s basically eggs and oil combined to create a creamy white substance. I do not care for creamy white substances in my mouth, and you may interpret that however you want. On sandwiches I prefer mustard, but with my reflux, the vinegar in mustard just kills me. To avoid having a dry sandwich, I am forced to use a little bit of mayo.

Wanting tuna sandwiches, we purchased one of those squeezable mayo containers. It’s easier than using a jar, and it takes up less space in the fridge. To have a tuna sandwich without mayo is a sin, and it would be really dry. We had that particular mayo container for close to about a month. It was maybe half empty, but still had a lot of use left in it… that is until Chris got a hold of it.

About a week ago Chris got on this kick to make some sandwiches. We went to the grocery store around the corner, bought what we needed (cheese, deli meats, etc) and went home. Everything seemed pretty normal until several hours later, when I went into the kitchen, I saw the mayo bottle on the counter and we both didn’t trust it to be safe. So much for that bottle.

A couple of days ago Chris went to the grocery store to get another bottle of mayo, a bottle of ketchup (since our other one is now empty), some lettuce, and I believe a few other things. Shortly after he got home, he made some more sandwiches. He also made this yogurt thing of his, in which he had to go to the fridge to get the ingredients, and he was standing right in front of where the mayo bottle was on the counter.

We ate our sandwiches, and a couple of hours passed before I got up, refilled my glass with some water, and as I was doing that I glanced at the counter. What was there? THE BOTTLE OF NEW MAYO!

I couldn’t believe it! So my conversation with Chris went a little something like this:

Me: Sweetie! You left the brand new mayo out!

Chris: I did? Oh… shit, I’m so sorry.

Me: Sweeetttiiieeee, how could you forget?!?

Chris: Well, I was busy making (his yogurt thingy) and I just forgot.

Me: But it was right there on the counter in front of you…

Later on that evening I had a snack. A sliced apple with a caramel dipping sauce. Since the dipping sauce is in a large container, I only had to use a little bit of it, I got up and said “Sweetie… I’m now getting up and putting it BACK IN THE FRIDGE.” Chris laughed at me a little because he knew I was making fun of him, but he probably has some crazy subconscious vendetta against mayo.

Yesterday we ended up going to the grocery store to get a couple of things, and of course a new bottle of mayo, and since we haven’t used it yet, it is safe in the fridge… for now. Should something happen to this third bottle of mayo, you all know who to blame, and it certainly isn’t going to be me.

- Me

Yesterday I got an email from Subway informing me that they had come out with a new sandwich called Orchard Chicken Salad. I love chicken salad sandwiches. I love them so much that I had chicken salad sandwiches at the baby shower for my daughter several years ago, and they were delicious. Now, I was skeptical about Subway’s interpretation of a good chicken salad because Panera Bread already has one, and it’s fucking delicious!

The Napa Almond Chicken Salad sandwich at Panera is outstanding. It’s on this amazing sesame semolina bread, and it’s simple. There is the chicken salad mixture, some green leaf lettuce, and they normally put tomatoes on but I always ask for them off. Either way, for almost a year now, whenever I go to a Panera Bread, that is a sandwich I have to get. Last night Chris and I went to do a couple of errands (we desperately needed some weed killer FYI) so we went to the Target north of town at the River Park shopping center. After that I had to make a decision. Either go with something I already knew was outstanding, or try the new Subway sandwich and make it a true gamble. Since I had a $15.00 coupon for Borders, and Borders is right around the corner from Subway (whereas the Panera Bread location would warrant moving parking spaces), I decided on Subway.

I ordered their Orchard Chicken Salad sandwich as a footlong, since it’s one of their special $5.00 ones, and I had it on 9 grain wheat bread. Already the Subway version was inferior to Panera because they lacked the delish sesame semolina bread. Anyways, the guy behind the counter looked puzzled as I requested only the chicken salad and lettuce to be on the sandwich. That’s the way that I get it from Panera, so that is how I was going to have it at Subway. I didn’t think that black olives, cucumbers, oil, salt, pepper, and pickles would be appropriate for my sandwich.

Some of the main differences are ingredients. The Napa Almond Chicken Salad mixture has red grapes, celery, chicken, almonds, and their special dressing, which is actually a light olive oil base compared to the standard mayo. The Orchard Chicken Salad mixture has cranberries, golden raisins, diced red apples, celery, diced chicken, and the mayo dressing. While the golden raisins were nice, I really missed the grapes. To me, it made a big difference. Also, I found the apples in the Orchard Chicken Salad sandwich to be really blah, like they lacked the proper flavor, and had almost a softened water chestnut texture. Not appealing.

As I opened the wrapping to my sandwich, I noticed that there wasn’t a lot between the bread, which was sad because the bread to filling ratio at Panera is wonderful. When I got a few bites in, I knew right then that the Subway sandwich came nowhere close to the deliciousness I wanted. The chicken salad was a little bland. It lacked the proper salty and sweet. The lettuce was iceberg and shredded, giving no flavor and a strange texture, and the bread just didn’t fit. Next time I go to Subway, I will just stick to what I normally get – a turkey sandwich. There are just certain things a company shouldn’t try, and for Subway, it’s attempting to create a chicken salad. Just say no. You’ll thank me later.

And the winner (as if you should even have to ask) is:

- Me

Today Chris and I went out running errands and around 3:00 PM he asked me what I wanted for lunch. Since I hate making decisions I told him that it was for him to decide. He suggested Chipotle but I wasn’t in the mood for it so he mentioned sandwiches. I said sure but then he asked me if I wanted them from Subway or Quizno’s. Both are near our apartment so it honestly didn’t matter to me.

On the way home was a Quizno’s so we stopped there. For the local people (Fresno/Clovis area) reading this, it is the Quizno’s off of Shaw and Villa.

The last time we visited that Quizno’s they were ridiculously slow and it seemed like today was no different. There was a lady behind the counter who had to have been in her 50′s and she was the one making the sandwiches. Now… in no way am I saying that people in their 50′s are slow at making sandwiches or slow in general, I was simply letting you know what we were dealing with.

She was already helping one guy and there was another man waiting who seemed to grow impatient. Instead of ordering a sandwich he grabbed a cookie, paid for it, and left leaving Chris and I next in line. When it was our turn we were still undecided on what we wanted, since there are so many different options, and instead of the lady standing there she started fiddling around with stuff.

I want to point out that she was still wearing the food service gloves from when she was helping out the guy before us.

While wearing the gloves she started to disassemble the deli slicer, lifting the shield (google it if you don’t know what part I’m referring to) and taking it to the back area. Since we weren’t done yet deciding, she then grabbed a rag and started cleaning the counter area underneath the deli slicer and touching other things…. all while wearing the same gloves.

Are you starting to detect a pattern here?

Before coming back to where we were she threw away whatever cloth thing she was rubbing on the counter and asked us if we were ready. I had decided that I was going to have a turkey sandwich and Chris was asking which meat was used in the Prime Rib one.

Chris is a freak about germs and notices little things that I normally wouldn’t because I just don’t, and I am honestly shocked that he wasn’t picking up on what I was seeing. When Chris told her what he wanted to order and the type of bread, there she went…. old gloves and all.

This crazy lady, who obviously knows nothing about being sanitary, started touching the bread that she was going to use to make our sandwiches. With the same glove, she grabbed his meat to toss in that beef broth they have (in which that actually creeps me out because I always think of cross contamination but whatever…), and she started cutting the bread.

As discretely as I could I whispered to him about what I had seen. Immediately I saw panic in his eyes and I knew that our Quizno’s adventure was over – as well it should have been! (By the way… I am laughing about the panic in his eyes as I am typing this and when I told Chris he says to me “that’s nasty ass shit.” Straight from his mouth.)

We then tried to think of a way to get out of there and got pretty damn uncomfortable since she was already brothing his beef. We told her that he had changed his mind and we pretended to converse between each other before seeing a moment where we could bolt.

Needless to say our mood for sandwiches was ruined and ended up going to Yosemite Falls Cafe where he got a massive 1 pound burger and I got a tasty turkey sandwich with chicken noodle soup.

I highly doubt we will ever be going to that Quizno’s location ever again, and it will be a long time before we even eat at any of their locations.

Ew, ew…. and ew.

- She Who Has The Last Word