Herein lies the lament of the lumberjack.  Before witnessing his woeful wailings, discern his dismal downfall:

Skip a bit to about 3:45 for the tale of the lumberjack, or watch the lovely story about the pet parrot first (a very touching story about a man and his Norwegian Blue).

I’ll give you a few moments to digest.

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All set?  Lovely.  Now you have seen the ignominious dashing of the lumberjack’s hopes and dreams against the cruel rocks of the Mounties.

I’m a lumberjack, but far from ok;

A lumberjack still, but not the same.

I had a good life, fulfilling and gay*

Until the day when the Mounties came.

The day was rare in its beauty and calm,

the Larch and Scots Pine standing majestic.

If only I had known what was to come,

I would not have cared for the aesthetic.

I burst into song, with joy in my heart,

For my best girl stood lovingly by me.

I was in my element, playing my part

Of the lumberjack that all expected to see.

The Mounties in red supported my song,

Repeating my boasts in lovely chorus.

I sang from my heart, and I sang strong,

For my love of my life and of the forest.

But as I sang my song, the tide did turn,

And all joy and happiness abandoned my soul.

The Mounties repeated my words with scorn,

Casting my heart into an abyssmal hole.

My best girl left, questioning my manhood,

While the Mounties laughed, laughed, laughed.

I saw their eyes through the dark of the woods,

And the judgement within them that I was daft.

The Mounties be damned, the bastard lot,

For destroying my life with their cruelty.

All that is left, which is all that I’ve got,

Is a lonely life of chopping down trees.

The only friends that remain are trees;

The Fir, the Redwood, the Maple and Pine.

Yet I no longer feel joy at what I must be,

As the duty of killing my only friends is mine.

*Happy, not the other one.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course.  Well, maybe a little bit the other one too.

Yet another life destroyed by the cruelty of the Mounties.  Spread the word.  Be on your guard.

-Because I said so

(No offense intended to any Mounties, family of Mounties, Mountie fans/supporters, or lumberjacks.)

A few weeks ago I submitted a support ticket to my company’s IT department regarding my mouse.  It was a standard optical mouse, and for the most part worked fine, except for the scroll wheel, which refused to scroll.  I use the scroll wheel often, so this was a problem.  I requested a replacement mouse, and was provided with one shortly thereafter.  However, it seems to me that my fortunes are now lower than they were with the stuck scroll wheel.

Why, do you ask?  I can answer that in six simple words.

It is not an optical mouse.

Anyone who has used the style of mouse before optical came to be should know of the shortfalls that come with it.  Today, I found myself once again pulling the mouse ball from the bottom and scraping the collected gunk from the three wheels to restore mouse functionality.

I haven’t had to do that for years.

It’s not a good nostalgiac feeling.

-Because I said so

I’ve had all I can stand, and I can’t stands no more!  How much can a man take before he finally accepts the sweet, warm embrace of madness?  What is a man’s breaking point?  Where is the line drawn?  How many straws until the last one?  How many weights must be thrust upon a man’s shoulders before he is heavy enough to break a camel’s back?  What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

You may think the last one is irrelevant, but it is, in fact, the most relevant one of all.

For the answer, click here.

Around 2 PM today I took Donnie out for a walk so that he could do his business. To the right of our apartment door there is a nice grassy area that goes the entire length of the complex. I typically take him around that area instead of through gravel or on pavement.

I noticed that he kept wanting to go towards the parking lot but there really is no grass in that area except for what is in front of our bastard neighbors. After him only going pee I decided to let him roam around the area he kept tugging me to.

He started to go around their front door and immediately the first thought in my head was, “Oh no, watch him totally take a dump on their doorstep.” I don’t care for the neighbors and would have gotten a laugh out of it. Instead he started pacing around their grass and totally dropped a fat one.

Even though I despise the guy living next to me I did the right thing by picking it up and throwing it away (not with my bare hands you sickos, but with the little doggie baggy thing we have attached to his leash).

Thank you Donnie for taking a much needed shit on our neighbors. You truly are a badass dog!

- She Who Has The Last Word

Yesterday certain mother fuckers lit a fire under me over Twitter and now I get to properly express my true feelings to you – and not be restricted to 140 characters.

To Zut_Radio, where do you get off pointing the finger at others and thinking that you are so high and mighty? First off, you have the nerve to insult my intelligence yet you can’t even properly compose a sentence? Then after that you make ridiculous claims that I am all looks and that I will get nowhere in life. OK buddy. You tried to make yourself so mature in your posts and that your parenting skills were superior to mine yet after me only saying fuck twice you send me a direct message saying how you “dropped” me and how I need to think of the children over Twitter. Children don’t belong on Twitter and really don’t belong on the internet until they are much older. My daughter is not even 6 and her activities on the computer are limited. Why? Because of people like you, because of pedophiles, because of internet bullies, and I could go on and on listing reasons as to why children shouldn’t be on the internet – especially a site like Twitter.

Would you want your 6 year old on there only to have creepy old men following them? If the answer to that question is yes, then I feel sorry for your children for they are in the hands of a negligent parent. Would you want your 13 year old on Twitter? How about your 16 year old? Lets think about that for a minute. Around 16 they could become sexually active, which isn’t something I want for my daughter but that is besides the point. Have you seen some of the Myspace profiles a 16 year old has? How about some of the pictures? Imagine that on your beloved Twitter and then the MILLIONS of people who would have access to her. Mmmm… doesn’t that give you warm fuzzies?

Of course you could then say that it is up to the parent to monitor their child and then there could also be the argument that if the child is raised right that the parent should have none of these fears but the parent can’t control the people on the other side. On my Twitter I don’t mention my daughters name nor do I ever put up pictures of her because I am a good parent who is protecting my child. I don’t have any images of her on Facebook nor do I have any of her on my Myspace, again because I am a good parent.

I got a laugh at how you said you “tackled” me on the issue of using the word FUCK and that I didn’t like it. You didn’t tackle shit! All I got from you was a stupid DM and then you went on some rant thinking that it was making you look cool. Do you think anybody gives two shits as to what you think? NO!

Then… in which I thank you again for the laughter, you had one of your minions whom I have never seen in my life, send me messages in terrible English bashing me and saying how I am stupid, again that I am all looks and no brains (thanks by the way for making me out to be some supermodel with a below average intellect), how I don’t think of the children (look, I don’t claim to be kid friendly on my page nor should I), and I think at one point I was referred to as being both an ass and an asshole.

“@LindseySchaal He dropped U because U said Fing and that is not approrpiate in Twitter with children present ..U Dumb .Asshole !!!“

“@LindseySchaal And judging from your conversation with him ,.. U R STUPID as well …little knowledge about anything ..Looks but no brains !“

“@LindseySchaal Kindly Kiss My Ass …Thank U .“

Your statements towards me bash and slander me for using fuck yet using ass or asshole is kid friendly? Get the fuck out of here!

Also you later on send out a message asking people to re-tweet this statement:

“Folks: Please tell @LindseySchaal that children do have a right to tweeter just like adults . who made her the Twitter God ???“

Ok… I’m not like a majority of the voters here in California trying to take away the rights of others (Hi Prop 8, how’s it going?) but I am right in saying that they don’t belong on Twitter for the reasons I mentioned above. Also, if you wanted to further prove your point that you are smarter than myself, shouldn’t you have used the word Goddess instead of God? Seems gender appropriate, don’t you think?

I never claimed to be a God or Goddess of Twitter nor will I ever but again, I thank you for putting unnecessary words into my mouth.

Your plans of spreading your ignorance failed when only 3 people decided to lack critical thinking and further your absurd message. One of them, shockingly, was your little ZooYuku minion whom I dealt with personally. Of course that was what prompted the name calling and boy, it sure was nice getting treated like I was in middle school. Your maturity astounds me!

I wasn’t surprised to see that ZooYuku decided to share my messages to him/her/it nor was I surprised to see that he/she/it edited my remarks.

Originally I sent this:

“@ZooYuku First off, children have no place on Twitter so if their parents are allowing them on a site like this then it’s not my problem.“

“@ZooYuku Second, you are bashing my intelligence? How about learning proper grammar and spelling. When you learn that, then talk to me.“

“@ZooYuku Third, I can say whatever the hell I want. It is my Constitutional right as an American and if you can’t deal with that too bad!“

What was sent out to their list of so-called friends was this:

“Quote from @LindseySchaal @ZooYuku First off, children have no place on Twitter (and who said they had no place …Lindsey is an IDIOT !!!)“

Hmmm…. funny how the rest of what I said seemed to have disappeared.

“2nd Quote from @LindseySchaal @ZooYuku Third, I can say whatever the hell I want. It is my Constitutional right as an American (Guns 2 ,,)“

Interesting, my second comment seemed to be disregarded and then my third statement was again butchered. Also, what in the hell do guns have to do with this? I never made any comments about guns nor would I ever. I don’t give a shit about guns and I will never own one.

I was then flattered by you, Zut_Radio, when you decided to make a blog post on your ridiculous site trying to make yourself seem better than others.

Four Letter Words

“Zut Radio unfollowed 3 Twitters yesterday for using the Big Four Letter Word. Why is that such a Big Deal you ask – because Twitter is in all Time Zones and is used by All Ages. It is inappropriate to use the Big Four Letter Word!!!

Either the Tweeter has no children of their own (in which case it makes them insensitive to others) or they do have children (in which case it shows their stupidity). One can always make their point about something without using that word. Using that word just shows others one’s own breeding or rather, their lack of breeding.

Zut Radio will not follow such people and will block them from receiving Zut Radio broadcast. There is enough crap in this world without what many folks consider to be extreme profanity.”

(Some of you reading this will get a kick at how they were so tactful and used the term “breeding” like human beings are animals…. I however found it to be offensive yet it seemed appropriate for cretins like themselves)

Oh Zut, Zut, Zut…..your attempt to make yourself look cool on the  internet (because it IS serious business) only made you look like an even bigger ass. Oh noes! The BIG Four Letter Word! Is it like in Harry Potter when Voldemort is constantly referred to “He Who Shall Not Be Named”? Is that what’s going on here? Your capitalization skills make me truly shudder. I guess up in Halifax they don’t really teach proper English do they?

Choosing to use profanity doesn’t make the person insensitive if they haven’t had any children. It makes them a human being. I say what I want because I can like I stated earlier when I made a reference to my Constitutional rights being an American citizen (guns too I suppose… YEE HAW!).  Just because I have a daughter and because I make the conscious choice to use words like fuck, shit, bitch, piss, cunt, ass, and many others doesn’t make me a stupid person. I bet that you are the type of person who assumes that because I use words like that on the internet that I use those words around my child. You are highly incorrect with that assumption. I don’t even use damn, hell, crap, or any lesser forms of profanity around her because unlike yourself, who consciously chooses to use words like ass, asshole, and crap around these invisible Twitter children, I am not a fucking moron.

I hope for the sake of the world that you and your pathetic following have no children because people like you shouldn’t be allowed to spawn (sounds MUCH saucier than breeding, don’t you think?).

Also for those of you who have a problem with what I have to say, tough. I don’t force you to read what I have to say, I never forced you to come to this blog nor did I force you to follow me on Twitter. Hell, some of the people I follow talk about shit that I really don’t care for but you don’t see me acting like I’m 12 and un-following them. I have follow people who are highly conservative and bash my political beliefs on a constant basis, who throw their religion and their God in my face through tweets, and who make ignorant statements about homosexuals and their life choices. All of those people have a right to say whatever the fuck they want and while I don’t agree with 99.9% of what they have to say, when I have talked to them they have been great to converse with.

All in all, if you are going to be a hypocrite on the internet please do not associate yourselves with me because frankly I don’t want to have to deal with your stupidity.

Thank you,

- She Who Has The Last Word

P.S. – Thank you to @jonathandmiller for having a brain and saying this:

@ZooYuku, you should watch what you say. Seems to be you are badgering and threatening @LindseySchaal with violence. That is NOT acceptable!

I really appreciate it.

I mentioned in the blogs yesterday that Saturday was pretty eventful – in both good and bad ways.

Chris and I woke up a little bit before 10 and started off our day being bums. While he was out taking Donnie for a walk I made a phone call to make an appointment to get my hair cut. I know this might not sound exciting but I haven’t had it cut, or even trimmed, since November 2007. I was way overdue. The last time I did get it cut I got lightheaded in the ladys chair because I was nervous.

I have problems with anxiety so my mind loves screwing with me on a regular basis. Getting my haircut is a recent development. I used to not have a problem before but now I do.

After booking the appointment, which was for 3:30, I started making lunch for the two of us. I started to cook some strips of chicken breast in a pan. Right when they were almost done I noticed that I didn’t hear any sizzles coming from the pan. I cranked up the heat, added some more olive oil, and still heard nothing. At that point I assumed that the burner had gone out, which was correct, so I then put the pan on another burner because the chicken needed to be finished.

I then put that burner at almost high heat and waited a couple of minutes. Nothing happened. I was able to touch the burner with my bare hands and obviously my hands are fine because I am able to type this blog.

We were having company come over later on that evening for dinner and I was getting a bit freaked out that I wouldn’t be able to cook anything so I placed a call to our apartment maintenance man. While on the phone with him he had me check to see if maybe the fuse blew and everything looked perfectly fine. While I was in the shower he came and had to turn the connection off and will have to wait until Monday to come and fix it.

Apparently Donnie was going ape shit when the maintenance guy came over and Chris had to spend the entire time holding him back. Oh what a fierce protector!

After that we went to get my hair cut and nothing eventful happened there. When you really think about it, there is nothing too terribly exciting about somebody putting scissors next to your head and cutting something that is dead. There was this one guy who was there getting his hair trimmed and he was a total ass. Chris couldn’t even stand the guy. He was bragging about how he just got a ticket on the way there for speeding and how he has so many tickets. He claimed to have about 12 of them and I personally feel that he was full of shit. If he honestly had that many tickets his license would have been suspended, easily.

Chris and I were worried about dinner because our friends who were coming over were bringing pasta but you can’t really have a proper dinner with just pasta. My original plan was to make homemade meatballs, a salad, and then I was going to bake either cookies or a cake. With no oven or stoke I couldn’t very well accomplish those things so we headed off to Costco.

None of their pre-made entrees caught our eyes so we just got stuff for a salad and left. We then made a short stop at Vons to grab something for dessert and a freshly baked loaf of French bread.

Since we are still addicted to our Wii our apartment was a bit messy. While I was preparing what little food we could make, Chris was busy cleaning things up.

Our friends were supposed to get to our place at 7 and when 7 came around we were good to go. A little while later we looked at the clock and I saw that it was 7:20. Ok…. well maybe there is traffic. Instead of us standing around looking like a couple of goons, we turned on the Wii and played a little bit of Animal Crossing.

It was a few minutes before 8 when they finally showed up and I was starved by that point. The table was all set up and ready to go so we got right to business – stuffing our faces.

Recently my stomach has been pretty sensitive due to me having acid reflux so when I saw the pasta I knew that it would fuck my world up. I didn’t want to be rude so I had a little bit, and by a little bit I mean like 7 pieces. Even Chris said that it was a bit strong because as he was eating it, it started to burn the back of his throat and he has a cast iron stomach.

After dinner we had some dessert, talked a little bit, and then around 10:30 they left. Chris and I finally got into bed around 12:30 and fell asleep to the Food Network like we always do.

I typically set a sleep timer for 60 minutes but last night I set it to 80.

About 40 minutes into my sleep I was woken up by a horrible pain in my stomach and I knew what it was. A couple of times my stomach has acted up like that and it landed me in the emergency room. I was determined not to go there and to just tough it out. i stayed on my right side until I couldn’t take it anymore. From there I propped myself up on my pillows and just tried to force myself back to sleep.

Since my body loves me oh so much I got to enjoy not just the stomach pains but a migraine as well. After wanting to just die for about a half hour the pain in my stomach started to lessen but then I started to feel myself get lightheaded. 15 minutes later I shifted over to my right side and a little bit after that I knew I was going to get sick.

When I was sick about a month ago Chris put a large white plastic bowl next to my side of the bed. Being the tidy people that we are, the same bowl was there last night. On my way to the bathroom I grabbed the bowl because I didn’t want to puke all over myself while going pee. (I know, you can thank me for the graphic mental images later.)

So I sat on the porcelain god doing my business when all of a sudden I felt my stomach constrict. Totally glad that I had the bowl because I couldn’t stop myself from throwing up. The bowl was massive and I filled almost 1/4 of it. Since a majority of it was straight stomach acid it burned like a mother fucker coming up and I couldn’t help but feel sorry for myself. Poor Chris heard me start to heave and he threw the covers off of him and raced into the bathroom to make sure I was fine.

After everything was OK and I knew that it was going to be all quiet on the Western front, we went back to bed only to hear our sorry excuse of a neighbor. If it wasn’t for the fact that I felt like somebody had beaten me with a baseball bat I would have gone over there and told them to knock it the hell off or I was going to call the cops. I was so over it at that point.

Thankfully I was able to fall back asleep and when I woke up this morning I was so, so, so sore throughout my entire abdominal region. Chris and I were going to try and meet Melyssa around 11ish at the local museum but that wasn’t an option this morning so, sorry Melyssa! Maybe next time?

Well now I am going to continue being a bum on the couch and get grumbled at by Donnie because I won’t let him on top of my chest or lap.

Hope you all have a great rest of the weekend!

- She Who Has The Last Word